As i moved on from the past, i tend to hold on to them. It seems a long way i've walked through all these while, but have i really sat down and think about it. 'Going through motion', as described by a friend, how accurate was it? Perhaps our relationship consisted more than that. There were real feelings exchanged. However, why was it so easy to let go? Or are you putting on a front like me, just pretending that things are going fine? Or have u already accepted the reality? These were thoughts i had a a few weeks back. They haunted me for a moment but I am starting to let go because of the understanding that there will be no answers. To love truly or not continues on from here not from going back there.
I have hurt you, that I truly feel for, because it came back to haunt me. There were many times at night when I was still working in the vacation i cried when i thought of what i have really given up, what i have really lost. You gave me aplenty. Perhaps u've loved truly that's why u're more courageous. There were times i stared at the messages you sent me online, i cried. There was a time i went crazy looking for something u gave me and i almost thought i was losing my sane. I saw not only our happy days together through all these, but also how you stood by me in times of unhappiness. You loved so bravely, as though i would never betray you. No matter how many a times i questioned you, you never second guessed me.
You said we can get married in ten years time. You thought of financially securing yourself so that you can provide for me. You said you can do anything with me because if it makes me happy it makes you happy as well. You gave priority to me and my choices wherever, whenever. You said you love me.. I saw glimpses of forever through you, but when you said all those words, i was filled with doubt, not only of you but also of myself. i kept on questioning, if you were the one for me. You tried your best to create surprises for me, lavish me with gifts and flowers i cannot match up with, at the end of the day, this was the choice i made. I must have dealt you a great blow. I never learned how to cherish you till i realized what i've lost.
You said I could go out there and find my true happiness and go back to you the day I realize you are still the one for me. Perhaps some words remains as just words, because you harshly turned me down when i did that. I told you i've matured from all those incidents because i truly felt the pain and understand what exactly I was looking for. You said you knew all these while things were not over through my messages and phonecalls, but you have already tried to move on. Why? You said even if I were to look for you one week later from when we broke up you would have said no. Was it so devastating or have seen through this relationship? Or words are just words...
Half a year of emotional roller coaster, I have been through so much it has changed me as a person. I am not liking but i have to learn and grow from these. There were some parts of the memory i wished it was just a dream, that it never happened. How could I have mistaken temptation for an opportunity?
I know myself very clearly that there's nothing about the past I can hold on to. I am yesterday to you, soon will be last year and then last decade. Those choices i've made, perhaps dont mean anything to you anymore. This, is a tribute to you and to our relationship.
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